“How do You Make it Work?” Cycling and Your Spouse

It’s no lie that the sport of cycling, as an endurance sport, takes a lot of time. This means the #1 tension the most of the people I ride with (mainly guys) deal with isn’t fatigue, budget, ability or passion – it’s the relationship they have with their significant other. In these conversations you can always tell there has been tension in the relationship because of cycling – you know its rough when you hear the ultimatum’s start to come through.

To be honest my wife and I haven’t yet had this issue at all, which is why I think we get the question a lot “So, how do you guys make it work with 4 kids?!?” It’s hard to answer at times cause we haven’t come from a “bad” place and then made it work – it’s just always “worked” I guess. But for the sake of those conversations and for this post I’ve come up with a couple of the things that I think have help me honor my spouse and still pursue my dreams on the bike.

The first thing that is important, that my wife and I are super blessed to have, is open and honest communication. Cycling wasn’t a new hobby for me, it was a part of a lifestyle change. Both for health and connecting to a part of who I am that I’d lost for a long time – cycling is a way of life now. But each step of the way that change was a part of conversation. That this was a change I needed and was going after. This wasn’t a new hobby, it was a new addition to who I am.

The second thing is that the concept of being a morning or night person went away. I’m now a “whenever I need to be awake” person. If riding early in the morning fits best for that day or week – then that’s what I do. If getting to work super early, so I can ride and be home for family dinner/time – they that’s what I do. But I don’t look at my schedule and see obstacles, I look at it and simply see what needs to change to make it work. Then when I am making changes it isn’t last minute, and it isn’t in neglect of something not considered – but it’s a change made with all things considered to honor family and my wife. (It also means I rarely watch tv anymore.)

The third is that my wife and I try to be “for” each other as much as possible. My wife is a writer which she does in the early morning. I’m for that and when there are times she needs to get to a coffee shop, or have extra time for writing then she get’s it. I fix dinner, watch the kids, get em to bed, whatever – so she can pursue that dream. I get the same encouragement from her in cycling.  We don’t discount the other’s passions, dreams or interests – especially when they aren’t ours. We work hard to be each other’s biggest fans. (there are enough detractors out there already right?)

Finally, I realize that even if/when my wife would have an issue with cycling – its NOT really cycling she is having an issue with. The time on the bike is time “away” and can lead to a lot of insecurity.  If I’m not investing time in the relationship with Mandy, and not being consistent in that commitment then something is wrong. If we’ve skipped date nights and time together but I’ve been on the bike three weeks in a row – then there is a consistency in the wrong place.

I’ve heard it said many times “She/He knows I love them, why is this such a big deal?” It’s a big deal because knowing is inadequate. Attention equals valued, and inattention equals devalued. This isn’t about brownie points, “permission” or getting your way – that’s for junior high. This is about the lifestyle of cycling becoming natural, being a part of what makes life healthy and whole. And that includes the relationship with your spouse.

You don’t have to slink around for having a passion, for having a dream, for wanting to achieve something great through training and athletic performance. Cycling isn’t silly – unless you are doing it for silly reasons. Part of owning that passion is not making it at war with the rest of your life. It means bringing the person who is most committed to you along in that journey, fully valued, to share in it with you.

If there is tension around cycling for you I think the first thing to consider is “Why do you ride, really?” Is it an escape? Or is it a passion? Is it something that will fade, or is it part of who you are now? And have you shared what cycling means to you with your spouse? It will take a risk, but being self aware around why your ride – and then honestly sharing that can help a lot.

How has cycling fit into your marriage/committed relationships? What have been the tensions? What has helped?